It’s my 19 year wedding anniversary today. We always celebrate (hardly ever on the day) because anniversaries are worth celebrating!
There was a time in my life that I didn’t ever want to get married (or have kids). I bought the lies of the 90s kid/girl that I could have it all if only I rejected marriage and children and pursued my career. After all, I was an accomplished student and COULD do all the things. I’m grateful God changed my heart. I would be missing my greatest earthly blessings!
Wiggy and I married on July 2, 2005, seven days after I turned 23.. He started medical school 2 weeks later. It was truly a perfect storm of life transition. We had NO idea what we were doing and few role models around us that were truly living out and displaying God honoring marriages. But God! Just this week some dear friends from church reached out to ask us if we would mentor them as they venture toward marriage. But God!!! It’s only by His grace that we began to grow closer to Him and therefore closer together.
Our first years were rocky to say the least. We barely survived at first then as we both began to grow in our faith, we slowly moved God toward the center of our marriage (His Word has a LOT to say about husbands and wives, neighbors- your spouse is your closest neighbor, and personal relationships).
We are FAR from perfect and becoming new parents again and now raising five children has created new challenges in our marriage for sure as we are overwhelmed, tired, and poured out more often than we would like, but with grace, we love and appreciate each other more than ever, even on the hard days.
Here are ten big lessons I’ve learned:
- Marriage is NOT a power play. I feel like we spent the early years of our marriage silently trying to one up each other and prove our individual importance. Weaponizing perceived “power” not only kills joy but will become a thorn in your marriage. This includes withholding intimacy and stewing silently.
- When you have disagreements or misunderstandings remember you’re on the same team. Seek to understand and objectively consider your feelings before reacting. Take time to pray before expressing yourself and make sure you consider your own contribution to the situation. No name calling, no shaming, no bringing up the past. The goal is resolution which is the same as a win for the team. Pause when you need to get your emotions in check.
- Help your husband get to know you. Expecting a man to “notice” your hair, nails, gift preferences, etc. is likely to set you up for disappointment. I’m not saying there won’t be moments where he really blows you away, but for the most part men need a lot of help in this department. Have conversations about love languages, what makes you (and him) feel valued and supported etc.
- Read and discuss God’s Word together. These conversations are not only fruitful for growing your faith and understanding of what it means to be a husband and a wife from God’s perspective, but also help you really get to know one another (see #3) more intimately as you discuss the hard parts.
- Edify him in public. Manshaming is really common in our culture. Reject it. Sure there are always challenges in marriage, but speaking publicly to your husband’s weaknesses is disrespectful whereas sharing his strengths is a huge deal. Complaining does nothing to help rectify challenges. I DO encourage one or two trusted discerning and Godly friends who can be your confidants and point you toward truth and accountability through prayer and wise council during the hard seasons of marriage.
- Go on dates regularly. Where there’s a will there’s a way and the more children you have the more important regular set aside time is to make sure you are prioritizing one another and your marriage. Do what it takes to make this happen. Get creative with babysitting, choose low or no cost activities (go hiking, on a scenic walk, picnic, rent a paddle boat, go sit somewhere beautiful), block schedules etc. Choose the dates and write them in pen as your date night should be a TOP priority on your calendar.
- Value Your Differences. Despite what culture tells us, men and women are different. I’m not talking about “capability”, but God made each sex uniquely. Let him be a man in his leadership, parenting, household tasks etc. Even in your personalities, it’s ok to be different. I am filled up by time with people whereas my husband needs time alone. It’s taken me nearly 2 decades to realize that doesn’t mean he “doesn’t want to be with me”.. It just means that in order to be his best self for me and our family, we must prioritize time alone for him.
- Treat Him With Respect. Even when you don’t think he deserves it, the best thing you can do is to show him respect. That’s not the same as complacency, but you are not his mom and don’t likely want to be so don’t act like it. Pray more and nag less. The power of prayer for and with your husband is unmatched.
- Communicate what you need. This goes back to #3 and #8 in some ways, but as women we tend to have expectations that our priorities will also be our husbands. Let’s pretend he leaves his dirty underwear beside the hamper daily and it’s super irritating to you because you feel like he expects you to pick them up (he probably doesn’t”. Rather than letting that fester for years on end, gently share, “Hey, I know you likely don’t intend for this, but when you don’t put your underwear in the hamper it makes it seem like you expect me to pick up after you and that makes me feel devalued, it would mean a lot to me if you make sure your underwear make it to the basket?” See how that’s better than erupting over underwear? When we control our emotions and communicate specifically with respect, our men are so much more likely to hear us!
- Serve continuously with a content heart. Ask him how you can help make his week easier. What feels hard for him right now? How can you pray for him? And every now and then when the underwear are still on the floor, just pick them up. Be willing to go the extra mile and realize he’s worth it. When things feel hard and there’s no easy answer, just hug each other for a really long time. Grace abounds.
Here’s to entering our 20th year. I sure love my man and who he’s become during these decades together. It’s been a fun and wild ride and I couldn’t be more thankful for the journey God leads us along!
Emily